By Rori Raye, author of best-selling eBook, Have The Relationship You Want, and free newsletter

If the guys who normally make your heart go pitter-patter inevitably also fill it with pain, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how Rori Raye found the man of her dreams the way she least expected to…and how you too can pave the way for secure, lasting love.

What if your Mr. Right looks nothing like what you imagined? What if all it takes is a simple shift to find him? I went through a string of broken, painful relationships before I married my husband of 20+ years. But I could never have met him – and made it work – if I hadn’t made some important changes first. Let me tell you my story and show you how you can find lasting love, too:

TAKING OFF MY CHEMISTRY-COLORED GLASSES
Before I met my husband, I would let the initial chemistry I felt with a man blind me to his red flags. I would accept bad behavior and stay in half-relationships far too long. I forced myself to work hard for men who weren’t good to me, settling for meager crumbs rather than demanding the whole meal.

But real chemistry develops over time – after getting to know a man, feeling safe with him, and sharing real intimacy. To develop real chemistry and lasting intimacy with a man, I had to think differently about who I choose to date. I realized that I was going to keep repeating the same old patterns if I kept choosing the same kinds of men.

So I forced myself to choose differently. I took off my chemistry-colored glasses and opened myself up to different kinds of men, which is when I met my husband…

WHAT MY HUSBAND ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE
My husband wasn’t my type – not even close. When I met him, I didn’t consider him a real prospect. He just didn’t “look” like what I had always imagined my husband would be. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him. He was the nice guy. But because I’d taken off my chemistry-colored glasses, I gave him a chance.

Surprisingly, he treated me better than any of the other men of my past. He courted me, wooed me, and showered me with affection. This is when I started “seeing” my husband differently. Unlike other men who I had to chase and cajole for affection and kindness, he really liked me.

LEARNING HOW TO RECEIVE LOVE
Because I had been constantly settling for the wrong man and working hard for love, I didn’t know how to handle my husband’s devotion and kindness. I had been so used to being the giver that his attention felt uncomfortable to me. But his patience and kindness showed me how wonderful it is to RECEIVE love, not just give it. And that I was selling myself short by working so hard for crumbs in my past. I learned I could trust in his feelings and kindness. I learned to feel safe with him. And before I knew it, I was completely in love with a man who loved me right back. That’s when I knew I had my Mr. Right.

I urge you to widen your focus when it comes to the men you choose. Chemistry is a very misleading emotion. If a man shows interest in you but you’d normally reject him because he doesn’t initially give you butterflies in your stomach, do something different. Talk with him, go out with him. I’m willing to bet you’ll surprise yourself the way I did.

_______________________________________________________________________

To learn, step by step, how to naturally attract your Mr. Right so that you feel loved and secure, subscribe to Rori’s free e-newsletter. She’ll teach you her signature Tools for boosting your self-esteem and dating in a way that will help you finally have the relationship you’ve always wanted – faster than you ever thought possible.

No related posts.

It’s all about staying in the moment but learning from the past. Here are some of our favorite dating tips ever…

The Man List
We love the idea of writing down all of the qualities you are looking for – and releasing it to the universe! Knowing what you want is a powerful thing, as is making sure your list gets narrowed down to about ten key qualities (Yes, a list of 153 is too long ladies!).

Relax
There’s something to be said about having a relaxed, carefree attitude when it comes to dating. You go out several times and then don’t hear from him? Instead of worrying and stressing over why – just assume it wasn’t meant to be and move on. Save yourself all of that grief and get ready for your next adventure.

Maintain Your Own Identity
You meet a great guy…and drop your entire former life to be with him. This is not good for you or the newfound relationship. Maintaining your sense of self, friendships and passions keeps you balanced and also makes you a more desirable partner.

Trust Your Intuition
Intuition is like a gift from the universe – so don’t ignore the feeling in your gut that tells you something isn’t right about the seemingly cool guy you just met. Keep those eyes open and listen to your inner self.

Acceptance
How many women are guilty of thinking they could change something about their partners? And how many then learned the hard way that no one can change another person? Odds are he isn’t going to change once you move in together or when you get married – or ever. If you just can’t accept some trait or habit in your partner, it’s time to think about whether this is the right person for you.

“I Complete Me”
There are way too many of us who jump from one relationship to the next, completely uncomfortable with the idea of being alone. Not good. What is great is to be comfortable, confident and happy on your own before you embark on a relationship.

Don’t Assume Anything
You’ve been dating six months and just know you are exclusive. Many of us have learned the hard way that this isn’t necessarily true! Ask him what your status is and don’t be afraid to express what you are looking for.

Ditch the Comfort Zone
Try something new. If your date wants to go hiking or mountain bike riding, instead of thinking, “Oh no, he’ll see me sweaty and gross,” try to adopt the “Why not!” attitude. We all grow from doing the things we are afraid to do.

Do Not Settle
You are 35, starting to feel a little stressed that Mr. Right has not come along, so you settle for second best. In the end, you’ll be much happier being single than wasting time with the wrong person. Hold out for the one who is right for you.

Learn From the Past
Take some time to really learn why your last relationship didn’t work out before you wade into the next one. Is there a common pattern or reason why you struggled? Did you tend to choose a certain type of guy – who wasn’t the best for you? Undertanding ourselves, and what is good and bad for us, is key to a better dating future.

by eHarmony

Related posts:

1. Dating Pitfalls Women Should Avoid
2. Ten Best Dating Tips for Men

Kissing feels great, and is actually good for you on many different levels. Find out why…

Kisses that Count
Before we go into the actual benefits of kissing, it’s important to point out that being a good kisser is an essential element to these smooching stats. Avoid sloppy (and slobbering) kissing, make sure the person on the receiving end wants a kiss, and it’s got to be the right place and time. Go in gently and softly at first!

Kissing is a Stress Buster
As people kiss, the amount of the hormone we create in the brain, oxytocin, also increases. Among many other functions, oxytocin is thought to reduce stress and elevate feelings of happiness.

Kissing Increases Your Emotional Connection
Hugging is great, but there’s nothing quite like a sweet kiss, which connects you and your partner on a very deep level. Some say it is truly the most intimate exchange two people can have. Whether you’ve been dating three months or three years, don’t forget to kiss your partner – alot.

Kissing: A Natural Pain Killer
Besides oxytocin, kissing releases all sort of other feel-good stuff in our bodies, including dopamine and phenylethylamine. Dopamine is largely responsible for feelings of pleasure and motivation to engage in pleasurable activities. Endorphins, which are peptides, are known to relieve pain in the body, but they can lead to feelings of euphoria as well. Phenylethylamine, an alkaloid also found in chocolate, is thought to influence mood and attention. When these neurotransmitters are released throughout the body, they result in sensations of giddiness and euphoria.

Kissing Equals Less Cavities?!
Since kissing can result in increased saliva production, there’s also the benefit of killing more bacteria. Hopefully this isn’t “TMI” …

Burn, Baby Burn!
And the benefits just keep on coming. Kiss as much as you can folks, and you will be burning twice as many calories as when sedentary. To be exact, a good smooch will burn about two calories per minute.

Kissing Unleashes Pheromones
Pheromones, which are chemical messages sent between members of the same species, may also play a part in human attraction. The vomeronasal organ, located between the nose and mouth, usually detects others’ pheromones. Although it is still unclear how they work, pheromones are thought to signal sexual arousal and increase attraction towards appropriate partners. You feel fantastic; the warmth and appeal for your date grows and leaves you feeling closer than ever.

Why Men and Women Kiss
According to a study by Dr. Galen Buckwalter, women emphasize kissing as a means of evaluating a potential mate and to monitor the ongoing status of a relationship. Meanwhile, men employ kissing as as a precursor to sex and to affect conflict resolution.

by eHarmony

Related posts:

1. Top Kissing Complaints

Is it making him dinner? Laughing at his jokes? Ladies, it’s much simpler than that!

She Can Disagree Gracefully
During a first or second date there can be great pressure to agree on everything. The strategy is, “agree and then run for the door.” But those little differences may not mean your incompatible, and meeting someone who can disagree without being disagreeable is a fascinating experience. A woman who can say, “That’s interesting, but I have a different take on it,” is impressive. More importantly, a person who knows how to “argue” with sophistication and tenderness is showing a great set of conflict management skills.

She Has Hobbies and is Knowledgable About Them
It’s a generalization that’s very often true. Men cultivate hobbies. Women cultivate relationships. That’s why his garage is full of cars, motorcycles, guitars, golf clubs and snowboarding gear. It’s typically impressive to a man when a woman can sit and talk about her time surfing, golfing or climbing mountains. One 60-something user reports that when she tells her dates that she spends her weekends driving a race car on a professional track, they smile from ear to ear.

She’s Smart
There is a nasty rumor out there that men don’t like to date smart women. Au contraire. A woman who is smart and shows that fact, without a need to impress, is impressive. A smart woman is going to bring more to his life, and intuitively he knows that.

She Can Take a Joke and Dish It Right Back
Men like to play. A woman who is game to jump into the fray is very impressive. It’s nice when she can take a joke. It’s even better when she turns and hits us back with a better one.

She Knows How to Look Casual and Beautiful
Looking attractive is important when you’re dating, of course, but if the bar is raised to “impressive” the standard shifts a bit. A woman who can be beautiful (standards do vary) and exude a kind of casual style is very impressive. It’s the kind of things men tell their friends. The thinking is that almost any woman can go through the “bridesmaid” treatment and look beautiful , but to do it simply for a day in the park is a notch above the norm.

She is Living the Life She Wants to Live
Life isn’t perfect for anyone. But if you meet a woman who says, “I’m so happy with my life. I’m where I want to be,” that is impressive. Thinking people who go out and take life with enthusiasm and passion are rare, and that attitude is contagious.

She Knows the Power of a Touch
Some women treat dates like Typhoid Mary. They insist on several feet of personal space at all times, and save any kind of personal contact for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th date. Certainly, each person has to make their own decisions about what is permissible to them, but a woman who is comfortable with light and non-sexual touches early on is using powerful body language. When she tells a story, she may touch his arm or the top of his hand for a moment. It’s a simple thing, but it sends a message. “I’m completely at ease, and I like you,” and that’s impressive.

She Kisses like She Means it
There are so many tepid people in this world – lukewarm people who do things at half-speed. Kissing is not an activity that benefits from a tepid demeanor. If you’re going to make an error, err on the side of passion. Most men will be greatly impressed.

She has an High Emotional IQ
It’s one thing to know facts and figures. It’s another to know what to say when a person says, “I’ve had a terrible week.” A woman who has mastered the skills that create a high emotional IQ is going to know when a man needs encouragement, when a man needs inspiration, and when a man needs a kick in the rear. Being with a person who has a deep and loving sense of how to help you emotionally is like having a secret weapon on your side.

She Pays for Dinner
That’s right. Many men will pay for dinner and feel good about it. But when that check lands, if a woman smiles and simply puts her hand on the bill and says, “Let me get this. You can get the next one,” she is sending a strong signal. It signifies generosity. It signifies confidence. And it tells him that this woman is happy to let him pay sometimes and willing to do so herself. That’s likely to impress almost any man.

by eHarmony

Related posts:

1. Ten Ways to Impress a Girl
2. Why Talking About Your Relationship Could Be Hurting It
3. How to Make Sure He Doesn’t Waste Your Time

Frustrated with men who can’t make decisions?
by Elliott Katz, Author of Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants

He’s sensitive and tries hard to please you, but when there’s a problem to be dealt with, he’s oblivious. When you ask for his input on a decision, he says, “It’s up to you.” He wants to be nice and doesn’t understand why he’s frustrating you.

Today’s men have received so many confusing messages on what a man should be, they’re bewildered. To avoid accusations of being controlling, many men have gone to the other extreme and avoid showing leadership and making decisions. They think being sensitive and non-controlling is pleasing you and can’t understand why they are not pleasing you at all.

The biggest complaint I hear from women is that men today don’t show leadership, they don’t make decisions and they won’t take responsibility. My book, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, which is being translated into 21 languages in Asia, Europe and Latin America, was the result of my own journey seeking insight on what it really means to be a man. I found wise advice in the lessons that fathers and other older male role models taught younger men on how to be a strong man who shows leadership and makes decisions.

Aside from getting him to read the book, how can a woman encourage a man to start taking the lead? Here are three tips:

Let him decide
If he asks you to make a decision, simply say: “You decide.” Then don’t say anything else. Let him decide. Avoid criticizing him — it will discourage him.

“Would you please handle it”
Ask him to take charge of handling a problem but don’t tell him what to do. If he asks, say: “You decide. If you’re not sure, do research. That’s what I do.” Avoid contradicting him unless what he wants to do is damaging.

Encourage him
Tell him he made a good decision and how much you appreciate when he takes charge and handles a problem. If he made a mistake, tell him what you learned from it. Keep doing this and you will soon have the strong man you want.

Elliott Katz is the author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants which is available from Amazon.com
and bookstores. He has been interviewed on more than 130 radio and TV shows.

Related posts:

1. How to Make Sure He Doesn’t Waste Your Time

We took a truck load of eHarmony men to the nearest sports bar and then talked about what makes a woman sexy!

She’s Playful
Women who take themselves too seriously are seriously not sexy. There’s something about a woman who is comfortable enough to be playful, flirty, and not worry that she is risking her reputation. Please don’t confuse playful with silly. Silly women who are clowning for attention are vexing. In fact, one man suggested that playfulness is a great sign of maturity – a woman who loves life and isn’t ashamed to show it.

She’s Beautiful
We had a solid discussion about what this means, and the standards were all over the map. Most every man agreed that a beautiful woman a) dresses in a way that flatters her figure b) puts effort into grooming and c) cares how men perceive her, even if the end result is very laid back and simple. There were few absolutes, except to say that a woman who thinks that going to the effort to look nice is somehow beneath her probably won’t be sexy to our test group.

She’s a Grown-Up About Things Related to Sex
Some men were comfortable with sex only after marriage. Some men were comfortable with it much earlier in the relationship. But all the men wanted a woman who is comfortable talking maturely about sex when the time is right.

She Likes and Understands Men
You might say, “Don’t all women who are dating like men?” Not according to this group. Women who know how men function and love them for it are very sexy. There’s something about giving a man the rope he needs to pursue his passions that makes a woman irresistible.

She’s Affectionate
It is hard to overestimate the impact of a physical connection to most men. A woman who understands this and gives affection freely is very sexy.

She Knows How to Say “Thank You”
Whatever your personal policies, early dating for most men is a time when they are spending money and making plans to arrange a nice evening. Our men greatly valued a woman who was able to say, “That dinner was fantastic,” and appreciated the work that went into planning the evening. A woman who has a spirit of gratitude signals to a man, “You can make me happy,” which is a primal component to attraction.

She’s Willing to Bend the Rules
A woman who has rules, respects the rules and can still say, “This weekend the rules don’t matter,” is very sexy, and rarer than you might think according to our band of brothers. It’s this “partner in crime” mentality that men seem to find irresistible.

She’s Willing to Set Aside Her Fear
It isn’t being fearless that is sexy. It’s having the fear, feeling the fear, and saying, “I’m going to set this aside and go forward anyway.” That woman is sexy. She is truly living life. She is going to suffer some failures along the way, but men will be chasing her and asking for her number the whole way.

She’s a Great Kisser
Every guy considers himself putty in the hands of a woman who knows how to give a great kiss. It can take a woman’s sex appeal from 0 to 10 in 30 seconds.

She Likes to Laugh (at His Jokes)
Humor often comes up as a valuable trait, but it can be misleading. Men aren’t interested in women who crack jokes every other sentence. In fact, when he says he wants a woman with a great sense of humor he’s usually saying “I want a woman who thinks I’m funny.” Not surprisingly, when she does think he’s funny and laughs out loud he finds that very sexy.

Related posts:

1. What Women Find Sexy About Men: The Top Ten List

If you’re interested in meeting people and going on dates, photos need to be a part of your online dating experience. Can it be scary? You bet, but it’s the key to a successful experience. We look at the reasons it is so important to put yourself out there and the types of photos that are absolutely essential.

Whether you’re an online dating pro or a complete newbie, posting photos on your profile can be nerve wracking. After all, people are making important decisions about you based on these snapshots. If you happen to be at a stage in your life where you don’t feel you look your best, pressing that upload button can be downright scary.

But NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE posting several photos of yourself is a great idea. It leads to better quality communication and better quality dates.

The 5 Photos You Need

eHarmony gives you the opportunity to post 12 photos. Ideally you should take advantage of every position and post all 12, but there are 5 types of photos that are vital if you want to get the quality communication you desire.

1. The Full Face Close-Up
Your face. Great light. No sunglasses. Smiling. It’s as simple as that. It never hurts to put on a nice shirt or blouse.

2. The Full Body
Standing. Outside. In a green space. From your feet to over your head. Wearing the clothes you would normally wear on a first date. With the sun high in the sky so you’re neither back-lit nor squinting.

3. The Waist Up
Sit down and relax with your nice shirt/blouse. Lean forward a little bit. Smile. A park bench would be nice.

4. Your Passion
Once you have clearly outlined your appearance you can have some more fun with photos. Why not include a photo that shows you doing something you really love — at a ballgame, snowboarding down the mountain or singing karaoke. Don’t be scared to show some personality with this shot. A word of caution: avoid photos that show off expensive toys. You want the focus of the photo to be you enjoying yourself, not your sailboat or sports car.

5. Your Favorite Place
Most of us have a favorite spot. It could be a quiet hiking trail. It might be at the beach or even at the mall. Grab a friend and get a photo of you in your favorite space. It’s great first date conversation fodder.

The No-Photo Consequence
You may think you have a great reason for not posting a photo. You may be in the Federal Witness Protection Program. You may be a famous movie star. You may not like your looks. Whatever your reason, the fact is: users who don’t post photos don’t get nearly as much communication as those who do. Choosing not to post a photo means you’re seriously hurting your chances of meeting a wonderful person online.

eHarmony has surveyed users on this issue many times and found that it is quite common for them to adopt a policy of not communicating with matches that are photo-less. Why is that? Why would users refuse to even start communicating with someone just because they don’t have a photo? We asked them, and the most common reason is because if you don’t post a photo, they don’t believe you’re serious about wanting a relationship.

People who really want to meet someone and fall in love are pretty serious about the process. They know it can be time-consuming and expensive. They want to make every email and communication count. If they can’t see your photo, they know that’s extra time and effort they will have to expend to coax a photo out of you. They wonder why you would require that extra effort of them instead of just posting a photo.

In addition, users have a policy of not communicating with photo-less profiles because they assume that a lack of photo means you have something to hide. When eHarmony launched ten years ago and most photos were still taken with film cameras opinions were a bit different. Because of the trouble involved in taking photos and getting them developed a user could post a message like, “I don’t have a photo up, but I’m getting them soon,” and get some leniency from their matches.

Not anymore. With cameras in every phone and the upload process so easy, users have clearly decided that there’s no excuse to be photo-less unless you are lazy or have something unpleasant to hide.

Why Non-Photogenic People Need to Post Photos

We aren’t all photogenic. This is a fact of life. Some of us have big ears, small ears, too much this, and too little that. Some of us can relate to a gentleman who once wrote in asking for advice. “I’m not an attractive man. In fact, I’m pretty ugly. What should I do on eHarmony?”

The advice we gave this man, William, was that if he were truly unattractive, it was all the more important that he post his photos.

The fact is physical attraction is a powerful thing, but it can vary greatly from person to person. If you have an appearance that is atypical, then you want to lead with that photo. If 95% of people won’t consider you attractive, you want to screen them out from the very onset. This means that the 5% that do communicate with you have seen your photo and decided that they are attracted to you. It also means you won’t waste time communicating with a person, only to unveil your photo later and have them disappear.

A woman named Kelly wrote in to tell us that she was in the midst of some serious weight loss. She wanted to wait until the process was done before she posted a photo on her profile. This can be a complicated issue involving medical procedures and long range planning. In the end we suggested that she do two things. First, post a current set of photos, and update them very often – perhaps even weekly if her weight loss is that considerable. Ideally, she should be giving her matches a good look at who she is, right now. Not who she was. Not who she wants to be.

Second, we suggested that she share this info, not on her profile page, but in an early conversation with her matches if she is comfortable. We never counsel users to share private medical information on the first date, but this will let her matches understand why there may be a drastic difference between the woman in the photos and the woman shows up for dinner.

By eHarmony

No related posts.

Don’t Underestimate the Nice Guy

For day-to-day harmony with another person, you can’t beat kindness. Find out why the nice guy will prevail in dating and relationships.
by eHarmony Staff

It was the legendary baseball manager Leo Durocher who coined the famous adage, “Nice guys finish last.”

While you may wonder whether that’s an accurate assessment in relation to sports, it’s certainly untrue when it comes to relationships. You will instantly boost your attractiveness by cultivating kindness, courteousness, and unselfishness as part of your daily behavior.

These qualities are universally attractive. In seventeen cross-cultural studies of what people are looking for in a marital partner, kindness was in the top two in every study. In addition, a recent study found that 75 percent of people seeking a relationship said the degree to which a potential partner was nice and kind was a “significant factor.”

However, there’s much more to kindness than boosting your attractiveness; it is a key ingredient for successful, harmonious relationships. Kindness calms anxiety, turns sadness into joy, and keeps annoyances from igniting into arguments.

Of the hundreds of books published this year that promote a program or plan for finding love, very few include what may be the most important strategy of all: Be kind and gentle and generous. We all want to be around considerate people like this, because we sense that kindness comes out of an inner place that is healthy and balanced. In most cases, when someone consistently extends kindness to those who deserve it or not, that is a person with a solid emotional core.

When you’re out on a date with someone, observe how he or she treats family members, work colleagues, friends, and strangers. Does she put down coworkers behind their backs? Is he rude to servers at a restaurant? Does she rail at other drivers on the highway? Is he curt with the bank teller who makes a mistake?

Look for kindness in the person you’re dating. And of course, be especially attentive to how your partner treats you over the long haul. Be keenly attuned to attitudes and actions that demonstrate kindness or a lack of it. Keep in mind: when in comes to love, nice people finish first.

Click to receive a FREE Personality Profile

No related posts.

Saving Your Relationship

Author: Joe Bisley

Most women don’t have any idea about how to save their relationship. They see that their relationship is falling apart and their partner is becoming more distant, but they have no real idea what to do about it. All their time with their partner is spent talking about their problems and discussing what needs to be changed. If there is something that men, by their nature, detest, it is talking about their relationship problems. They do everything they can to try to avoid it and so talk less with their partners or make themselves less often available for these discussions. Saving a relationship then becomes more and more complicated.

There are ways that bear proved psychological proof and may assist you in saving your relationship. Throughout their lives relationships pass through various phases. When the relationship starts the attraction is its novelty and the pleasure that the couple has of spending time together and learning about each other. You try to spend as much time as you can in each others company and the level of intimacy is considerable in the relationship.

When you want to maintain the high level of emotion that you had at the start of your relationship you have to learn that it is important to maintain or recover that level of attraction that you had for each other when you first met.

Women are specialists at dissecting every word that their guy says so that they can understand the message he is trying to send. They try to spend all their time with their man to know what he did in their absence; they even try to change him for the better, all this to improve their relationship.

The result is that they turn him off completely and he opts to distance himself from the relationship. So, if you are determined to save your relationship, give some thought to the ideas noted below.

It’s always wise to start at the beginning, so go back to when your relationship started and think about what it was that first brought you both together. Men will usually reply that they found their partner happy and fun to be with, confident, independent and intelligent and women that they were drawn by a happy, confident and sensitive man. You have to work on the qualities he saw in you then if you want to have him falling in love with you again.

Communicating effectively when you want to save your relationship does not mean that you should have continuous conversations about the difficulties you have in your relationship as this is going to turn your man off for sure.

What it does mean is learning how to talk to each other about the things that make you feel good, as you did when you first got together. The men hate to talk about matters that only end up annoying them. You have to remember how it was at the start and go back to talking to each other in the same way you did then when you both were so happy in each other’s presence.

Joe Bisley

For further information click here http://magic-of-making-up-joebisley.blogspot.com

.

About the Author:

Joe Bisley writes articles about human relationship problems.

No related posts.