A relationship can get muddled and off-kilter when a couple allows one aspect (most often, the physical) to get far ahead of the other aspects!
by eHarmony Staff

In any loving relationship, individuals need to maintain rational thinking and clear mindedness all throughout the dating experience. This means they must approach the issue of sexuality with utmost caution and clarity.

The best relationships involve two people who have worked hard to let the emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical aspects of their union develop at the same pace. A couple’s relationship gets muddled and off-kilter when they allow one aspect (most often, the physical) to get far ahead of the other aspects. Therefore, it’s important to think through a few principles of physical passion before you find yourself in a serious relationship.

Passionate love always involves strong physical attraction.
If a couple genuinely loves each other, they will want to hug, kiss, and express themselves sexually. These desires are a fundamental part of everyone’s biological and psychological makeup. In fact, if you don’t feel your partner’s strong physical desire to be close to you, a crucial element may be missing. A lack of affection or desire for physical intimacy should raise a red flag in your mind.

There is a progression to the way sexuality is expressed.
Think of it as a chain reaction: sexual behavior moves from the simplest kind of expression (say, touching your partner’s shoulder) to the fullest kind of expression. So the critical question becomes, how far along the chain can you go and still maintain full control of your sexual expression?

Every progression of physical activity establishes a new plateau—and it is extremely difficult to retreat once it has been reached.
Every level of sexual experience is so immediately gratifying that it’s nearly impossible to be satisfied by previous levels. That’s why every new step of sexual expression must be carefully decided upon by both people. This may sound too rigid to many because it runs counter to the popular thinking in our society. But if sexual expression is allowed complete freedom, and if spontaneity is treated as a primary virtue, this expression will develop “a mind of its own,” without any concern for long-term consequences.

Physical involvement must be managed with extreme care.
Strongly defined boundaries need to be agreed upon, and there must be self-discipline to stay within those limits. Otherwise, sexual expression can take control of the relationship and blind the couple to reality. When sexual expression is not kept in check, the emotional, cognitive, and spiritual aspects of the relationship become slaves to the physical desires. Let us say it again: Physical attraction is critical, but it needs to develop in a coordinated way with the other aspects of the relationship.

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At a Party
Friends (and even acquaintances) are your greatest source for matchmaking. Parties bring together people with different connections to one another, expanding your social network greatly. Talk with your friends, but also mingle with the guests you don’t know. If you’re too shy, ask the host/hostess to introduce you. “My best friend threw a BBQ,” says one man I interviewed, “and my future wife came with a mutual friend. We ended up in the kitchen alone, talking all night. We ran into each other again at another friend’s party—and again, spent the whole time talking to each other. We began dating after that.”

Join a Club
What do you like to do? Do you like to play kickball, read books, or cook a gourmet meal? Join a club! Teams or groups are a great way to meet new people while doing what you enjoy. An added perk is that you will find someone who shares your interest, whatever that may be. To find a club, look on Craigslist.org, on bulletin boards of recreation centers, in local newspapers, or in a hobby-focused store (a sports equipment store may know of leagues, a yarn store may know of a knitting circle, etc.).

At Work
You spend nearly one-third of your life at work. You come into contact with many people in your line of work, whether they are co-workers, vendors, or clients. A word to the wise, though, some companies discourage personal relationships. Additionally, if the relationship sours, you’re in for an awkward work day. It’s best to proceed with caution on this option.

At a Bar/Club
I know, I know. You’re thinking, “A bar? Really?” However, for many people, bars and clubs are a legitimate place to meet other singles. It is certainly a social scene, one in which people feel comfortable approaching one another. With so many varieties, you’re bound to come across people similar to yourself. Maybe you prefer a relaxed sports bar or a glitzy martini bar. Chances are, the people you will meet there prefer the same kind of environment. Though bars often lead to casual flings, they can also bring you to your soul mate. A single mom described how she met her future husband: “I went out dancing with a friend of mine. At the club, I saw a really hot guy, who was a great dancer and was oozing charisma. I struck up a conversation with him that lasted about four hours. My friend and I gave him a ride home, he gave me an unexpected kiss goodbye, and we started dating a week after that.”

On the Internet
More and more, people around the world are meeting their significant others online, through dating services, chat rooms, and networking sites. The anonymity of the web gives you the chance to read profiles and email with a potential match before ever meeting them. You can even reconnect with old friends and classmates. One woman described her experience with online dating: “I was looking on Craigslist for furniture. Then, because I was bored, I decided to look at the personal ads. One ad leapt out at me; he was talking to me. It was so well-written and we had so much in common that I decided ‘I’ve got nothing to lose, I’m e-mailing him.’ We’ve been together ever since.”

Nevertheless, while the Internet may bring you the cream of the crop, it can also leave you scraping the bottom of the barrel. But some risks are worth taking. Keep an open (but cautious!) mind, and the Internet just might lead you to that special someone.

Publisher:
This is a guest article from TrueLoveDirect.com, a website on dating advice & tips, which has other interesting articles like:

· How to Attract a Man

· How to Get or Find a Girlfriend

· How to Find or Get a Boyfriend

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If you’re prone to engaging in superstitious behavior when it comes to your relationship, it could be that you’re falling in love! See what Bruce M. Hood has to say about Dating Superstitions.
By Bruce M. Hood - Author and Psychologist

When we hear Frank Sinatra singing about “that old black magic called love,” most of us can identify. We recognize those head-over-heels, reason-out-the-window feelings that appear early in a relationship. The effects of falling in love are so powerful and uncontrollable, it’s as if we have been either enchanted or bewitched by some supernatural force. This is because the chemicals whizzing around our brains and our loins make us do and think strange things that we cannot seem to rein in with reason. That’s why it’s called “falling in love”—like gravity, you can’t help yourself when you start to stumble.

And look at what we do when we fall “madly” in love. Obsession, delusion, and paranoia are all part of the irrational thoughts and behaviors that come with this territory. We believe in the unbelievable. We develop little quirks of behavior and superstitious routines that help us cope with the uncertainty of romance. If we feel lucky to have found love, some of us try to control that luck through acting out weird patterns of behavior that we would normally dismiss as irrational.

For example, we are all familiar with traditional lucky talismans such as black cats and four-leaf clovers, but many of us also develop more personal and private superstitions that make us feel more comfortable on a date or during the early stages of a relationship. It could be wearing the same lucky shirt, always arriving for a date at exactly the same time, or making sure our partner ends the telephone conversation with the same signature sign-off. We’ll do anything to keep the magic alive. Most of us engage in this superstitious behavior, but why?

The answer might be in our brains and the way that it copes with uncertainty. Uncertainty is an unpleasant state to be in, as it leads to anxiety. Whenever we experience something that seems uncontrollable, such as falling in love, we seek to gain control. In fact, we cannot really help ourselves. Our brains are wired to seek out patterns in the world—especially at times when we are uncertain about outcomes. And what could be more unpredictable than the early whirlwind of a passionate romance?

Whenever we are unsure of ourselves, or the prospect of loss is great, many of us engage in activities that we believe are somehow linked to securing what we want in life. How does the brain do this? To begin, it picks up on unusual events or happenings when things have gone well in an effort to repeat the success. If things go well again, very soon we see the ritual as responsible for the outcome. It’s like making a wish that comes true, but instead of wishful thinking, it’s superstitious behavior. It’s exactly the same mechanism operating in athletes who engage in pre-game rituals or gamblers who have to play certain machines or do things in a certain order. Once a superstitious ritual forms, it can be very hard to rid oneself of it.

Maybe we shouldn’t always try to act rationally, but rather allow ourselves to occasionally go with the emotional flow and comfort that rituals can provide. The irony is that if you try to stop yourself from being superstitious (which often one cannot), then you feel more anxiety, which in turn leads you to seek more control. This is because superstitions operate at the emotional level in the brain, and while we can try to apply cold logic, heated emotions are very difficult to regulate through reason. We might tell ourselves to get a grip, but deep down our emotional brain is firing on all cylinders.

So love, romance, and the fear of loss is the perfect recipe for superstitious behavior. With time, you can learn to relax as priorities shift to other concerns in a relationship such as setting up home, the prospect of children, or seeking a secure financial future. As we gain more control over the situation or the uncertainty weakens, we may feel less of an urge to engage in superstitious behavior. Ultimately, we should recognize in ourselves and in our partner that love can make us believe in the unbelievable.

For more information about Bruce M. Hood, click here. To purchase his new book, SuperSense click here
.

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We know, we know. Pick-up artists preach some dating tactics that are all wrong. But other tips just happen to be dead-on and effective. Find out how to separate the bad from the good and improve your game tonight.
by eHarmony Staff

You may be familiar with the “Pick-Up Artist” phenomenon sweeping the nation. It’s everywhere lately - the bookshelves, talk shows and reality TV. Once merely a secret society that flitted about the hazy glow of dance clubs, the self-professed pick-up artists, with monikers like “Mystery,” “Style” and “Matador,” have in recent years gone above ground, leading expensive lectures and writing best-sellers about how to effortlessly meet, date and bed beautiful women.

And we’re paying attention-not just because the subject matter is racy, but because at least some of these techniques seem to actually work. That lead us to consider: can the pick-up artists really help the average Joe who wants to get a date? Are the relationship skills that someone named “Matador” preaches even healthy and desirable to learn?

We’ve actually found that the introductory lessons in most pick-up artist arsenals can be very useful and surprisingly wholesome. But any man who wants to find lasting relationship success would be wise to stick to these basics, and to avoid the “seduction culture” advice that precludes real commitment and long-term love. Here are some basic dating do’s and don’ts to glean from these self-anointed lotharios.

How to Act

DO dress for success.
Perhaps the most broad and applicable suggestion bandied about by all the pick-up artists is to dress well. Everyday, women flock to various clothing stores, make-up aisles and hair salons to beautify themselves for their own edification, for the appreciation of their fellow women, and to attract men-and they certainly appreciate a man who returns the favor by presenting themselves well in public. It shows that the man is making an effort. It conveys that he’s got self-confidence and pride. And it separates him from all the immature boy-men who still dress like they’re hanging out near the keg at a college party. Most of the pick-up artists even suggest dressing like a “peacock,” wearing an item of clothing that will make you stand out. Even if it’s just a nice pair of glasses, some tighter pants, or a shirt with a crisp collar, adding a bit of flair to one’s outfit can never hurt one’s chances with meeting someone special.

DON’T pretend to be someone you’re not. One thing the pick-up artists command of their disciples, which should be avoided at all cost, is creating an “avatar” of one’s self. Do you ever chat with your friends online, and notice that their caricature or avatar in the chat box is thinner, hipper, and more well-groomed than they themselves have ever been? The pick-up artists take this one step further, encouraging guys to adopt a real-world character that’s smooth, honed and based on a lot of made-up stories (”gambits” in some pick-up artist lexicons) told to impress the ladies. Ultimately, we suppose this is not much different than the decades-old suggestion from marketing/business books, of “branding” oneself to create an image of success that people can buy into. And there’s little doubt that if done correctly, a well-crafted public-facing persona can be just as successful in getting a phone number from a woman as in landing a lucrative freelance gig.

However, a relationship, or even dating someone interesting, is not a business transaction. It’s a process whereby two people get to know each other and enjoy being themselves together. Sure, it’s good to smile, talk yourself up and be confident when dating. But if you’re suppressing your real love for old jazz and French spy movies, and instead lie about yourself to boost your perceived value, then the woman you’re wooing is falling for the façade only. At what point will she realize she’s been duped and commence to dump you? And at what point will it get tiresome to impress someone with lies, when you’re just dying to talk about Monty Python or J.R.R. Tolkien? Playing a role when meeting women is a real roadblock to true relationship success.

Where to Go

DO go where women are.
One thing many men do to sabotage their dating success is not putting enough effort into meeting new people. Once again, the pick-up artists offer some simple, great advice here: before we can meet any women, we have to go where the women are. Staying home and not taking action, and assuming a date will just magically fall in your lap is not a strategy for success. Furthermore, pick-up artists would generally suggest going out a couple times a week or more to places where desirable women will be so that you dial down the nervousness of being in those places and around women. If we feel comfortable and relaxed in our environments, then women will see us as being affable, confident, in our element, not awkwardly looking in on a crowd we don’t know. And that’s pretty good advice for the healthy would-be dater.

DON’T stick to nightclubs.
However, one thing lacking in most pick-up artist scenarios is an open mind about where the women can be found, and that’s why we recommend that you do not stick to bars and typical “pick-up” joints. In their books, lectures and TV appearances, the pick-up artists almost exclusively equate “dating field” with “night club.” But look around at the happy couples in your own life-many of them probably met while in a college organization together, or through friends at a birthday party, or online at eHarmony! There are several places more interesting (and pleasant to the ears) to meet women than at a bar. We’re not saying that you can’t meet women at night clubs, just don’t restrict yourself to late-night booze halls when trying to find single women. There are lots of fish in the sea, but also lots of seas to fish in.

Who to Meet

DO have high standards.
Most pick-up artists not only tell you to visit the bar, they also tell you to raise the bar, and not to sell yourself short when approaching women. We completely agree with this, in its broadest sense. While it’s good to be open minded, selecting the best, most compatible person to date is the best way to ensure relationship success. Some guys have been out of the dating loop for so long, perhaps their whole lives, that they have a limited view of what they deserve. And we commend any philosophy that encourages men to seek out someone great. If you want to be happy, you should never settle for someone who is not best suited to you.

DON’T let physical beauty be your standard. If you want to have a great relationship, don’t buy into the superficial theory that the most “desirable” women are the most “physically attractive.” Most pick-up artists lay out a quasi-anthropological theory about attraction, that our dating impulses stem from 40,000 year old factors, and that the “desirable” woman is attractive, whereas the “undesirable woman” is not lovable simple because she’s not as attractive.

Now, most men are attracted to physical beauty, and of course this is a strong factor in whether we like someone and have chemistry. But the pick-up artists leave out virtually all other traits that you might find fantastic in a woman. What about whether she can be funny? What about the Vonnegut books she’s read that you two can talk about, or that Cheap Trick box set she might buy you one day for your birthday? Would you give all that up because the girl next to her at the bar has a smaller nose? So attraction might be an okay criterion for passing on genes in the stone-age, but it isn’t the only thing to consider in the today’s world.

In the end, the pick-up artist techniques so popular in the media are interesting because yes, they can be applied by most guys, and yes, on a certain level, they can deliver results. But while pick-up artist culture can help us put our game face on, it’s important to keep in mind the endgame. Most of us want to find someone who has depth, who can fulfill us, and we don’t want to lose our sense of self or tell lies in the process. Remember, winning doesn’t end at nabbing a phone number-it ends when we find the happiness and warmth of a great relationship based on honesty and true compatibility. And that’s one lesson the pick-up artists still need to learn.

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In those beginning stages of love, it’s easy to overlook abnormal behavior. Wonder whether you should stick it out or run the other way? Here are five red flags that should signal the end of your relationship.
by eHarmony Staff

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. That’s what comes out of our mouths and into our minds after we break up with an especially toxic person. I could have been more guarded. I should have read the signs. I would have dumped him/her months ago had I known…

Well, don’t be too hard on yourself. You were in love. (Or thought you were.) With love’s rose-colored glasses on, oftentimes it’s difficult to recognize abnormal behavior. Next time around, if you aren’t sure if you should listen to that nagging feeling inside of you, maybe this list will come in handy.

Ex-ample #1 – The Ex Is Still in the Picture

Now, having an ex in the picture isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. For those with children, it’s almost impossible not to have some sort of relationship with an ex. But if your significant other doesn’t have little ones and the preceding paramour is still undoubtedly in the way, there might be a problem.

Some people keep in contact with their exes and some people don’t—you have little control over whether your significant other falls one way or the other. But if you find yourself in this situation, you need to ask yourself some serious questions: Why is this person still hanging around? To what degree are they hanging around? (Phone calls? Meetings? Pictures?) Does this other person fulfill some kind of need? Am I (meaning you) really that important?

It’s hard to come to grips with that last one. Truthfully, if your boyfriend/girlfriend is really that into you, they shouldn’t need attention from a former flame. Examine your situation carefully and go with your gut. Even if you don’t feel particularly threatened, an ex in the picture is not something to wave off. Further, if your new sweetie isn’t ready to move on to the bright future with you, the timing isn’t right.

You Catch Them in Lies (Even Small Ones)

Because we are human, we lie on occasion. Let’s be honest: adopting a “no lies, ever” policy only results in hurt feelings. So spare your friend with the bad haircut. She feels bad enough. In most cases, the “white lies” are intended to save someone’s feelings, not cover up shady behavior.

However, little lies such as the whereabouts of your beau or the identity of the mysterious caller on the cell phone should send off a warning bell inside your mind. These fabrications imply there is something to hide, if not now, someday. Even lies that have seemingly little to do with you or your relationship should make you suspicious. Lies about trivial matters are a warning that the big one is around the corner, so don’t play the fool.

Worse, if you are the recipient of any big lies (about previous marriages, children, habits) you should take the cue to run. Honesty really is the pillar of a successful relationship, so expect nothing less.

They Check Everyone Out

Let’s face it. There will always be other people in this world who are more attractive than your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. If your relationship is honest and strong, you can recognize the attractive mailman or the cute barista behind the counter without dreaming of greener grass. If your mate is ogling every hot pair of legs or stud muffin physique you pass, however, something is wrong, and it’s not you.

A confident person will expect their sweetheart to treat them as the only one in the room. You can still like the way other people look, but you shouldn’t find it necessary to disrespectfully compare them to your partner.

You Really Can’t Stand His/Her Friends

When your significant other is spending time with friends that aren’t exactly stimulating, you wonder what he or she sees in them. If his friends are annoying jerks who would rather play video games and cheat on their women, then it’s time to rethink your choice. Perhaps your steady has a gaggle of single gals who are drama-loving divas, love the club scene a little too much, or are snooty jealous friends. It should make you wonder what she really prioritizes in life.

It’s true that everyone has one or two friends that are “special” (read: weird) that you have to tolerate. However, if all of your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friends drive you nuts and these pals have been around since the sixth grade, odds are that the situation will not go away. If your new steady is surrounded by a village of idiots—guess what—your dearest is probably one too.

They Have Nothing Going On

Sometimes this may be regarded as romantic, but if your new mate is really into you (or too into you), it can be a sign that they don’t have much else happening. A healthy relationship is built from two stable people who have their own lives to live independent from the other. Although hard to see in the beginning since you want to spend every waking moment together, pay attention to the plans and dreams of your new sweetheart.

If your mate is waiting with bated breath for the entertainment you bring, sitting by the phone for your next call, or happy loafing around till noon, perhaps they aren’t a mover or a shaker. Most would agree that driven, determined people are the most attractive, and you want to be with someone who is committed to their future. Aspirations will tell quite a story about your intended, so see if your ambitions match up.

So, how will you know if your current love interest the right one for you? Trust your instincts and be receptive to the underlying signs that make you go “hmmm.” Moreover, you must be able to accept your potential partner the way they are, right now. No more time should be needed for maturing or healing—if your sweetheart is right for you, the timing will be right as well.

eHarmony—helping new relationships grow

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by Counselling Directory staff

Relationships, at some stage or another, inevitably hit a rough patch. When this happens, often the natural defence is to give up and walk away. And sometimes, this is the best option. Or sometimes it’s easier to try and brush the problems under the carpet and ignore them for as long as possible. And occasionally, ideally, a couple is able to sit down, talk things through calmly and rationally and reach a mutually agreeable solution.

Relationship counselling, however, can make reaching the solution an easier and more fruitful process. A professional counsellor offers an outside perspective and an ability to understand the wants and needs to both parties to help a couple move forwards together.

Taking the initial step to decide to see a counsellor is a difficult one – people often feel they are admitting defeat, or are too proud to look for help. But once the initial decision has been made, there’s a new set of questions to consider. As in a relationship, it’s important that the couple and the counsellor are right for each other, in order to progress.

There are many factors that contribute to this, practical and otherwise. On the practical front, things like location and logistics are important. Many people who undertake counselling often prefer to see someone slightly out of town, as they are afraid they might run into someone they know. But conversely, the setting for the counselling needs to be comfortable and familiar – arriving for a counselling session flustered because it was in an unfamiliar area will not give the best results.

Money is another practical issue. Many counsellors offer reduced rates to the unemployed, but it can be hard to find out such details, especially as many people are uncomfortable discussing money, and no one wants to be bartering on what price to put on their relationship.

It’s also important to make sure the counsellor has the relevant qualifications – there are many academic qualifications in counselling. Counsellors can also register with professional bodies and be accredited by them.

Luckily, there is a website that answers all of these questions in one go. www.counselling-directory.org.uk is a comprehensive searching tool, allowing location searches, and producing a list of counsellors registered in this area. Each counsellor has a profile, listing a bit about themselves, their approaches, what areas they deal with, and all their training, qualification and experience and fees. The site shows which counsellors are registered/accredited with a professional body, and full profiles are only displayed after insurance and qualification documents are checked or membership with a professional body has been verified.

Having a resource likes this makes helps reduce the stress in an already difficult situation, and hopefully makes the first step towards a better relationship an easier one.

Click here to visit the Counselling Directory to explore how counselling can help you.

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Overbearing jealousy smothers the very thing it aims to preserve. Here are three signs your relationship is headed into this possessive territory.
by eHarmony Staff

The number-one pop music hit of 1983 may also be the most misunderstood song of all time. “Every Breath You Take” was written by Sting—then lead singer of The Police—after a painful break-up with his first wife. Although the lyrics clearly describe the thoughts of an obsessive stalker (“Every step you take, I’ll be watching you”), many listeners still mistake it for a romantic love song, because of its pleasing melody.
Sting himself was surprised at this fact. He said, “One couple told me ‘Oh, we love that song; it was the main song played at our wedding!’ I thought, Well, good luck.”1

But perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised at confusion over the song’s meaning. People commonly take blatant jealousy to be a sign of true affection and commitment. “Isn’t that sweet?” they might say. “He’s trying so hard to protect your relationship. He must really care.”

Well, not so fast. Jealousy is a sign all right — but what it points to is trouble ahead.

Here are three reasons why:

Jealousy signals a lack of confidence in oneself.

If you are certain that everyone your partner meets through the day is smarter, wittier, better-looking, and more fun than you — and therefore a threat to steal away your beloved — that is strong incentive to keep him or her on a short leash. Limiting exposure to potential competitors becomes a high-stakes battle for relationship survival — or so you think.

The truth is, no amount of pouty possessiveness will keep you safe. In fact, it is far more likely to damage your relationship than any of your so-called shortcomings. The best defense? Get to work on your self-image. Confidence alone is powerfully attractive — and a great way to keep your partner’s eyes on you.

Jealousy signals a lack of trust in one’s partner.

No one reaches adulthood without suffering a broken heart along the way. That means we each carry around a bucket full of painful memories. We sift it for clues as to what went wrong and strategies for preventing a repeat performance. After a hurtful betrayal, trust is the first thing to go and the last to return — even in a brand-new relationship. Jealous behavior is a way of saying, “You must prove you won’t hurt me too. Until then I’m going to watch you very closely.” But it’s impossible for anyone to prove what they won’t do — and unfair to expect them to try. Here’s a better approach: “You are free to be yourself. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to.”

Trust is the glue that holds together any committed, loving relationship.
Jealousy is a solvent that corrodes trust, dissolving the bond that keeps two lovers united.

Jealousy signals an unhealthy need for control.

Rival lovers aren’t the only thing that can threaten a jealous person. Chances are, a suspicious individual will also seek to limit anything in his partner’s life that doesn’t include him: time spent with friends, family, or pursuing solitary hobbies and interests.

Jealousy is all about trying to restrict, manipulate, and monitor another person’s behavior and choices. Look out if your relationship is increasingly is filled with questions such as, “Where were you? Why were you talking to him? Who sent you that text message? You heard from that person on Facebook again?” Insecurity often leads one person to attempt to orchestrate situations to eliminate perceived threats, but this kind of treatment is toxic over the long haul. Indeed, jealous behavior early on may be a harbinger of even tighter control as the relationship progresses.

A relationship thrives on freedom—the freedom for individuals to grow and develop, to be authentic and genuine, to pursue new opportunities. Unfounded jealousy is a stranglehold sure to suffocate any romantic relationship. Want a lasting, healthy love relationship? Make sure both partners have the space, encouragement, and autonomy to be who they are — without someone else watching every breath and movement.

Let eHarmony match you with quality singles looking for a long-term relationship

Notes:
1. www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Every_Breath_You_Take/

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For day-to-day harmony with another person, you can’t beat kindness. Find out why the nice guy will prevail in dating and relationships.
by eHarmony Staff

It was the legendary baseball manager Leo Durocher who coined the famous adage, “Nice guys finish last.”

While you may wonder whether that’s an accurate assessment in relation to sports, it’s certainly untrue when it comes to relationships. You will instantly boost your attractiveness by cultivating kindness, courteousness, and unselfishness as part of your daily behavior.

These qualities are universally attractive. In seventeen cross-cultural studies of what people are looking for in a marital partner, kindness was in the top two in every study. In addition, a recent study found that 75 percent of people seeking a relationship said the degree to which a potential partner was nice and kind was a “significant factor.”

However, there’s much more to kindness than boosting your attractiveness; it is a key ingredient for successful, harmonious relationships. Kindness calms anxiety, turns sadness into joy, and keeps annoyances from igniting into arguments.

Of the hundreds of books published this year that promote a program or plan for finding love, very few include what may be the most important strategy of all: Be kind and gentle and generous. We all want to be around considerate people like this, because we sense that kindness comes out of an inner place that is healthy and balanced. In most cases, when someone consistently extends kindness to those who deserve it or not, that is a person with a solid emotional core.

When you’re out on a date with someone, observe how he or she treats family members, work colleagues, friends, and strangers. Does she put down coworkers behind their backs? Is he rude to servers at a restaurant? Does she rail at other drivers on the highway? Is he curt with the bank teller who makes a mistake?

Look for kindness in the person you’re dating. And of course, be especially attentive to how your partner treats you over the long haul. Be keenly attuned to attitudes and actions that demonstrate kindness or a lack of it. Keep in mind: when in comes to love, nice people finish first.

Click to receive a FREE Personality Profile

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That nagging feeling you have about your relationship may be telling you to get out. Here’s how to determine whether what you’re feeling is normal doubt or something much more serious.
by eHarmony Staff

Is there a nagging voice inside you? Something telling you that maybe this person you’re spending time with isn’t the best person for you to be with? That there’s someone better?

That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.

Sign #1: You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.

Sign #2: You Don’t Feel Good about Yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.

Sign #3: The People you Trust Urge you to Get Out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.

Sign #4: You Find yourself Constantly Thinking about Someone Else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.

Sign #5: You Find yourself Denying Facts you know to be True
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem—you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.

Sign #6: The Cons of Staying Together Outweigh the Pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.

Sign #7: Your Instincts are Saying get Out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.

Sign #8: You Already Know the Truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.

Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.

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Author: Lily Eckhardt

Although all women are different, we sometimes are faced with the same struggles. Whether they are from life, love, or work, our struggles tend to overwhelm us and therefore they make us less effective in whatever area the struggle derives from. One of the biggest areas that women are affected by in a similar way is dating. Dating Pitfalls for women are not really that big of a deal, because although they seem like Hell on earth, you really can fix the little issues and have a successful and fulfilling dating experience.

Let’s begin to change the pattern of things by listing some of the troubles that afflict women in relationships, and we’ll also give some solutions to those pesky issues.

Expected Monogamy:

This can be a HUGE deal breaker if the two of you have not yet discussed monogamy. Often, when a woman commits herself to a relationship, she will assume that the man she is with has done so also. However, if you two have never had the talk about being in a monogamous relationship with one another, you can’t reasonably expect him to be fully faithful. This doesn’t mean give up your guy. It just means have the conversation so you can avoid having the argument.

Drama:

Admit it, sometimes; we girls just have a flair for the dramatic. When we are feeling neglected or underappreciated, we may make things seem bigger than they are, just so we can get some attention. Men can become easily overwhelmed by the constant drama, so be straightforward. Let him know you need a little cuddling and togetherness. If he really cares, this will be the best approach you can use.

Overly Emotional:

It is okay if you have a little bit of the water works going on behind your pretty brown eyes. Crying is normal and talking usually helps with whatever is going on. However, ladies: remember that your guy is an entirely different type of person. He may not be as emotional as you are. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Pay attention to the way he reacts to you, and you will see the ways he shows you that you matter to him.

These are just a few dating pitfalls that women deal with. I hope you now feel a little bit more prepared to handle the little snags in your love life.

About the Author:

Having trouble finding a first date? Need some guidance? As managing editor of TheFirstAndForeverLove.com,Lily is here to help you with first dating advice.

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