Q&A: Why Women Like Jerks & More

By David DeAngelo
Relationship Correspondent - Every other Wednesday

Yes, it's that time once again: the day we feature your dating and relationship questions. Although we would like to answer each one personally and with as much detail as possible, the overwhelming amount of inquiries forces us to highlight those that are most interesting to AskMen.com readers; your e-mail may even be answered in the process.

This week's Q&A focuses on why she likes you more when you're a jerk and how to turn her into your lover. David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.

It seems like what you're teaching is that if I want to make women crazy about me, I have to act like a total jerk. Is that right?

I am not, do not, and have not EVER told ANYONE that the way to get along with people is to be a total jerk.

Never.

No, no, no.

What I DO say is that jerks often create an amazing feeling of ATTRACTION inside of women, and that there are ways that the average guy like you and me can take some of those things that jerks do and use these powerful techniques — WITHOUT THE ABUSIVE PARTS — to make women attracted to US instead.

Make no mistake about it, I don't think it's a good idea to act like a jerk to other people. But I DO think it's a GREAT idea to tease women, bust on them, be Cocky & Funny, and play hard to get.

Do you know of any great ways to turn a woman who is a friend into a lover?

I get a TON of e-mails from guys who are looking for the answer to this one "magical" question.

The simple answer is: If you don't want her to see you as a friend, STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

Most guys act extra nice around women they're attracted to — they smile a lot, act interested in what she's saying (even if it's boring as hell), do her favors (pick her up when her car breaks down, feed her cat when she's away on a trip).

Unfortunately, NONE OF THIS makes her feel ATTRACTION for you; it only makes her see you as a "real nice guy."

But that's not exactly what you're after, is it?

Now, the reason most guys treat a woman they like extra nicely is because they're AFRAID of doing the things that could build attraction because to do that would mean RISKING REJECTION.

It's safer to be nice to her because how can she reject you when you're being nice?

But if you want to turn her from a friend to a lover, acting nice SIMPLY WON'T WORK. You have to do something MORE, and my Cocky & Funny strategies are a great place to start.

Suggest grabbing a cup of tea… and then bust on her playfully. Lean back. Relax.

When you do, she'll see you as the kind of confident, secure guy she's after… then SHE will come to YOU.

What if I get a girl's number at a club, but she later sees me talking to ANOTHER girl? Won't this blow it for me?

Well, the problem in these types of situations is that most guys don't want to get a woman's number then be seen talking to other women or getting other numbers because they don't want to be seen as "players" or as insincere.

My advice? Get over it.

If you enjoy talking to a woman and you'd like to get her number AND go talk to other people (including other women), just say: "Here, write down your e-mail and number. I'm going to get back to my friends" and DO IT. She'll actually see you as an "in demand" kind of guy if she sees you talking to other women. Her competition mechanism will kick in, and that will actually AMPLIFY her attraction for you.

reader's question

Hi Dave,

I am 27 and came to Australia three years ago. And, yes, I have the Cocky & Funny attitude. In fact, at the place where I am working I work with eight women, though all above 40. Yet when I talk, they laugh and they have told me that I am the only male that has survived working there.

Yes, I can get any woman to laugh. The first time I read your letter, I was delighted that C&F was a basic instinct of mine.

I study at university. There is a lovely girl and I liked her very much, so I started hanging around her and went on coffee breaks with her twice. One day, she was going out for a beer with friends, so she called me. We had a nice time and at the end she gave me a real big hug. She told me earlier that she has no boyfriend. After a couple of days, I could not resist to tell her how much I liked her, but I could not get her out for coffee, so I recorded a 10-minute message on a tape and gave
it to her.

And BOOM! It was like a nuclear bomb exploded. She stopped talking to me and reported me to the dean.

My question is: How does a man tell when a woman likes him as a friend or as a boyfriend. I am confused! Secondly, was it right to tell her through a tape?

A.K., Australia

my answer

OK, hold on to your keyboard and mouse because I have some bad news for you…

When you couldn't resist telling her how much you liked her, you demonstrated a very special personality trait that I like to refer to as acting like a WUSSY.

This means that instead of being cool, relaxing, and seeing where things went, you were overcome with emotion and feelings for a girl you didn't even know, and you went overboard and RECORDED A 10-MINUTE TAPE to let her know what a wuss you really are.

She probably enjoyed spending time with you. She may have even been interested in you in a romantic way. But when you go and do something extreme like recording a 10-minute tape and giving it to her, it makes you look like a bizarre fan or stalker.

I have some more bad news for you.

I'm guessing that this woman was ATTRACTIVE. I mean physically attractive. She's probably hot.

Guess what?

For some strange reason, men feel compelled to tell unusually beautiful women things like "I have feelings for you" or "I really, REALLY like you" or "You're special" very early on in a relationship.

And guess what?

They start to think that men are wussies or that they must be crazy, and when they meet another guy who just shares his feelings after the first date, they run for the hills.

You need to lean back. Give women room. Don't see a new woman more than once or twice a week for the first several weeks (ESPECIALLY if she's unusually attractive).

Oh, and stop it with the 10-minute tapes. That's just plain bad news waiting to happen.

David DeAngelo

This article is sponsored in part by DoubleYourDating.com

David DeAngelo is the author of the book Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, and several other products that can help men become more successful with women and dating. He also publishes a free online Dating Tips newsletter, available at www.DoubleYourDating.com.

                            

Be The Blocker - Article from Askmen.com

By Gary Jackson
Relationship Correspondent - Every other Monday

Proper timing is crucial to executing a successful pickup: If you jump in too quickly, you'll come across as desperate and needy; hang back and dillydally around, and another guy will walk over and start his game.

When another guy comes in and crowds your play, you'll likely become frustrated and irritated. Have no fear though, there is a last-ditch effort you can employ if you really don't want to give up and find another target: You can become the cockblocker.

Cockblocking another guy during his pickup is unpleasant, but it is something that must be done from time to time. Regardless of the reason, there are elements of the "guy code" that have to followed, even in this nefarious business. Just keep the following things in mind: Don't do this to a friend (as if you'd even consider it), don't badmouth your rival when he's not around (that's something chicks do), and don't moan about it if someone pulls some of these tricks on you.

Before we get started on cockblocking, remember that the goal here is the pickup, not the competition. Pay attention to your female target with some flirting and conversation as you politely, without being a jerk, give your adversary the cockblock. He'll know what you're trying to pull — let him hang himself as he tries to retaliate due to his jealousy and paranoia. Those points now out of the way, here are five great ways to cockblock your competition.

Admit it

They say fortune favors the bold, so if you're accused of cockblocking, straight up admit to it and make light of the situation. Try to keep it light and nonconfrontational. The best way to blow it with the girl is to walk up and insult the guy, plus you'll likely find trouble in the parking lot afterwards. If you can temper the cockblock situation with humor, do so. Buy a round of drinks: a Cosmo for her and a glass of milk for him. Or, as juvenile as it seems, make a bar bet (one you know you'll win) and the victor gets to stay with the girl.

This is a high-risk strategy that pays well if you're successful. You will either fail or succeed very quickly. If the girl doesn't tell you to beat it, a victorious outcome is probably on deck.

Send in a wingman

The direct cockblock approach might not suit everyone. Using a wingman to distract the rival might be an easier and more subtle method for the faint of heart. Entering the battlefield with a wingman effectively eliminates the other guy from the equation and leaves you free to engage your target.

During the cockblock, a good wingman should be able to keep 100% of the guy's attention. This is because your brother in arms knows that he doesn't need to impress the girl, and the rival won't want to cause a scene and ruin his chances with the girl. At the very least, talk of sports, cars, work or other women will draw him away from the girl and into a genuine conversation. A best-case scenario will see your rival being taken off for a game of pool, which will hopefully uncover some unattractive personality traits, such as an aggressive competitive streak.

You'll have to repay the cockblock favor to your wingman, but if he is worth his cred, he'll likely find a date for himself and his new "buddy."

Send in a wingwoman

In these times of equality, take advantage of the wingwoman. With a hot female friend who is willing to step up as your cockblocker, the following methods can be most devastating to your rival's efforts.

Using your wingwoman as a honeypot may be morally dubious, but it is certainly effective. Few men can resist an obvious come-on by an attractive women. A simple tap on the shoulder, a smile and an inquiry about being bought a drink will at least create enough of a distraction for you to step in and make contact. The fact that he was distracted should be enough to put off your target. If he does rejoin the pickup, the perceived back-up score with your wingwoman may cause him to drop out of the competition more quickly.

If you have a hard time convincing your wingwoman to parade around in front of a stranger, there's still room to maneuver. Disguised as a fake ex, your wingwoman can head over and slap your rival, leaving an unsettling impression with your target. The fake-ex play is made more effective when coupled with a shake of the head and a herpes comment. A less dramatic approach is for your wingwoman to have a "friendly chat," in which she reveals true or false details about your rival, with your target in the bathroom.

Coordinate a "flashmobbing"

A persistent rival could dodge the diversions of the best wingman and ignore the seductions of a wingwoman. He'll find it more difficult, however, to avoid a whole group. Gather all your friends, giving them instructions to concentrate on the guy, and descend upon your target and rival.

Once you establish conversation with the object of your desire, more people can pour into the gap between you and your rival. Using tactics such as conversation, challenges to games and rounds of shots, your friends should be able to force your enemy into a separate group, where he'll sit and watch you succeed.

The key is to whisk her away as soon as the gap has been created. Invite her to a quieter, more secluded section of the bar that is far away from his sphere of influence. Once you've given the signal that you're in, your friends can get back to enjoying their night — especially with the drinks that you now owe them.

Let him talk about himself

If nothing shifts the guy, let him talk himself out of a successful pickup. Bring the conversation round to him and ask him plenty of questions (don't forget to keep the girl involved though). Let him undermine himself with his own responses. For example, make a comment about his Rolex and once he starts to brag endlessly about it, he will come across as a flashy ass.

Watch your target's responses to his talk. Steer your rival's conversation toward the things that she isn't responding to and lightly mock him. Again, don't turn it into a pissing match between the two of you.

Also, use her responses to tailor your approach according to her tastes. When he leaves the table to get more drinks, steer the conversation toward something that she wants to talk about. Keep it one-to-one and use body language to exclude him when he returns.

cockblock on stock

There are many ways to achieve a successful cockblock. It can be as simple as walking up to a girl, ignoring the guy and asking her name or as complex as motivating half the bar to distract your rival.

In most circumstances, the need to cockblock can be completely avoided if you are decisive and act quickly. The sooner you make your approach after the initial eye-contact and smile, the better off you'll be. Don't rush over like a schoolboy, but once you've finished your drink head to the bar and pay her a visit on the way. And if another guy suddenly straddles your side, keep an eye out for what you've just learned.

                            

This is a question I find myself asking more frequently these days. Is anyone really honest to their lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands or just anyone?

I ask this question because I catch myself lying regularily when there is no real reason to do so. Im not lying to protect myself, it just seems to be an automatic thing.

I think Stabilo may have something in their song “Flawed Design”. The lyrics seem to descibe what seems to be a common issue in so many people:

When I was a young boy
I was honest and I had more self-control
If I was tempted I would run
Then, when I got older
I began to lie to get exactly what I wanted
When I wanted it
- And I wanted it
Now, I’m having trouble differentiating
Between what I want
And what I need
To make me happy
So instead of thinking I just act
Before I have the chance to contemplate the
Consequences of action

And I will turn off
And I will shut down
Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground
And I will turn off
And I will shut down
The chemicals are restless in my head

‘Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my flawed design

And ever since I figured out
That I could control other people
I’ve had trouble sleeping
With both eyes closed
And if I asked permission
If I make sure it’s ok
I promise I won’t slip up this time
You can trust me
But never take advice from someone
Who just admitted to being devious
Who just confessed to treason
And I would also never ask a question
That I cannot ask myself
For it might
Dirty up your conscience

‘Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my -

And how can you say those things
Why can’t you just believe?
And how can you say those things
And keep a straight face?
And how can you say those things
Why can’t you just believe?
And how can you say those things
And keep a straight face?

‘Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my -
‘Cuz I lie
And if I could control it
Maybe I could leave it all behind
Yeah, I lie
And I don’t even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design

                            

In the midst of passion and the throes of love, couples do fight, argue, disagree etc. Unless of course they are both brain dead in which case it wouldnt matter. Depending on the individuals in question, it might be a mild spat or in the case of two volatile, strong personalities(like myself and mate) it’s fireworks. Now for the purposes of this writing, fireworks meaning heated, strong dialogue back and forth, but no PERSONAL attacks, no insults that are of a personal nature, in short nothing you cant take back or apologize for later. This is where I think the feelings the couple have mitigate an argument, there are just somethings you cant say when you really love someone and want to be with them. Now, obviously if you are done with the relationship and or the person in question, anything goes. Piece of advice, dont bring friends into an argument with your mate. Its bad enough two points of view are not matching(leading to the disagreement in the first place) but to add yet another point of view is a bad idea without realizing:
It can make things much worse
That other point of view may not be given by someone with your best interests
The other point of view usually only has one side of the story to go by Close as a friend it might be, they still are not you and cannot ultimately decide whats best for you

If you find yourself in arguments that cross the above mentioned line, personal insults flying back and forth and or things getting physical - Relationships dead….move on….Love yourself enough to realize that personal insults and physical abuse are not part of any kind of loving relationship. Don’t wait for him/her to change(they never will)

                            

Nor does it leave much time to blog either. I have been caught up in the midst of a moving frenzy - the house I have been staying in has been sold and I had to find another apartment which, living in NYC anyone can tell you is no small feat unless of course your last name is trump.

Running around looking at places that i wouldnt keep a pet rock in, calling agents that don’t return phone calls(never use an agent to find an apartment) and if im lucky i may have an hour or two left over during the course of a week - but by then am too tired to be so bothered…quick translation - sex life is sucking majorly right now - i almost forgot how it goes

Even though we do “speak” every day sometimes several times a day….it’s like blah….

                            

Life always has been and always will be about choices. Some easier than others. Chosing to live life as a “hirsute” woman means choosing to live with the stares, rude comments, jeers etc. It means choosing a life that may not lead you to that committed relationshp that you have always dreamed about since society has put such a stigma on being hairy and hirsute for a woman. IT means choosing to accept being objectified as a sexual object/creature and having to turn down multitudes of sexual propositions and overtones. IT sometimes means being in a relationship that is not ideal but that at least allows you to be who and what you are and not subject to comments inquiring about when the next “waxxing” will be.

                            

We argue we fight we make up endless cycle of a relationship. Does what we fight about matter in the great scheme of things - depends on what it is and depends on how much we both want the relationship in the first place.

                            

Steadfast rules are not always steadfast are they? Tried and true advice and methods of dealing with things are not always going to work in all circumstances.

Relationships should be cut and dried - -everything should go the way it needs to and if not on to the next relationship. Only in a perfect world. Thanks to Oprah and Dr. Phil - doing “you” has become a favorite watchword and anyone who is not so singular of purpose is branded with “low self esteem”. Nice catch phrase to explain something that is never that simple.

While I agree many have and do suffer on different occaisions from self esteem issues, there are always things environmental, mental, and other that contribute to what people do especially in relationships. If people were really truly brutally honest on some of these shows…actually Jerry Springer touched it but went way out of bounds…My rambling here was to point out that relationships are way too complicated to be categorized easily. All do respects to Oprah and Phil, but get some people on your shows who dont have as many options and choices available to them. Follow that up with a show where people actually are candid on speaking about their fears of being alone(sans a partner) when you do i will be sure and catch both episodes.

                            

When conversing with someone it is hoped that you manage to convey the essence of what you are talking about with some degree of certainty. When that does not happen frustration can and does set in. When you in your own estimation take time and energy trying to explain your point of view and you either get no response back or a response that doesnt match the original point you might be tempted to pull your hair out - or cuss up a blue streak depending on your point of view.

In the midst of a relationship this can cause no end of problems. Communication is key miscommunication can be death. Being oblivious in conjunction with miscommunication is a deal breaker.
as I go look for the bottle of extra strength tylenol from today’s escapades I keep in mind that this too shall pass…

                            

The emails i got from him the next day were the start of something i had no idea i was getting into. There was no way to forsee any of this and if you had told me then i wouldn’t have believed it.

We met a few days later at a coffee shop - at the time i thought innocuous enough should be ok. What was i thnking.

Anyone familiar with Tex Avery will remember any number of toons where the character meets a gorgeous character and either falls to pieces literally or sits spouting unintelligble gibber jabber

That would be a fair representation of that meeting - aside from giggling like a blooming idiot, there was little logical conversation. All i was missing was the dunce cap and a bib for the drool….lol

Charming, and flirtatious doesnt begin to describe him, not obnoxiously so, just extremely charming, in hindsight i had no chance with all that.

Eventually as they do all good things must come to an end and so was the coffee shop interlude. He offered to walk me home, and i accepted his offer since i didnt live far from where we were. I have no idea what we talked about while walking - burned too many brain cells that night. I will never, however forget walking through my front gate and turning around…looking at him and him kissing me. Fireworks….LITERALLY exploded inside my head, i lost all track of time, and if you had asked me at the time i couldn’t have told you what my name was or where i was. Ok i mean i was not a little teenage girl at the time, i had been kissed before but NEVER like that…I could have floated right out of my shoes - i was holding onto him for dear life because i knew if i let go i would have passed out. This reaction and all that followed is/was a hallmark of what has been the most intensely passionate, mindblowing relationship that i have ever been in…